42: Dating with an Abandonment Schema: Part 2 – What is your Coping Style?
- Gemma Gladstone
- February 10, 2022
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In our last podcast, we spoke about what an abandonment schema might look like generally when dating someone. Today, we follow that by taking a more specific look at the different coping styles people tend to use when their abandonment schema gets triggered in a dating situation.
Our schemas get triggered when certain things happen. When triggered, strong emotions arise, and we feel compelled to respond in a certain way to cope. Schema therapy clearly explains three common responses people have after getting triggered. One of them falls into the broad category of avoidance. Another is surrendering or resigning to what happened. The third is overcompensating, sometimes also referred to as counterattack.
In this episode, we discuss the three different ways people cope with the intense feelings that surface when their abandonment schema gets activated. We give some examples of what each response might look like, focusing particularly on those that come up when an abandonment schema gets triggered. We discuss ways to change your response patterns, explain the importance of learning to understand how you react and talk about the potential consequences of the different coping styles. Stay tuned for more!
Show highlights:
- Justine shares one way you can change your response patterns after getting triggered.
- Justine and Gemma discuss the surrender mode and explain how it affects people and their relationships.
- The surrender mode can sometimes flip over into avoidance.
- How do you know when you are surrendering to your schema?
- How does a healthy build-up to a relationship look?
- Gemma and Justine talk about the overcompensating response pattern.
- What does it look like when we over-compensate?
- What tends to happen when we overcompensate?
- Gemma explains how to not react when in counterattacking mode.
- What happens when you are on the receiving end of an overcompensating counterattack?
- Justine and Gemma talk about what tends to happen when you have the avoidance response with an abandonment schema.
- Avoidant coping patterns can be hard to break. Gemma explains what keeps people stuck in those patterns and how schema therapy can help overcome them.