Relationships – what do you NEED from them?
- Alison Ramsay
- April 30, 2019
Schema therapy is based on core emotional needs, and getting these met. This is very important in our relationships, and central to us feeling satisfied, fulfilled and connected.
If you are feeling lost, frustrated or unfulfilled in your relationship, understanding your needs and getting them met is vital to improving your connection with your partner. This is also very important when entering into a new relationship.
So what are your core emotional needs? These are needs that every one of us is born with. Our parents must meet these needs when we are young, but we don’t grow out of them, we have these needs for the rest of our lives. Feeling happy and fulfilled in a romantic relationship depends on these needs being met.
- Secure attachment (safety, protection, predictability, love, nurturance, attention, empathy, acceptance)
- Freedom to express valid feelings and needs
- Appropriate autonomy, competence and sense of identity
- Spontaneity and play
Having a secure attachment means feeling safe, accepted and loved unconditionally. This must be reliable and predictable to provide you with a secure base. Without a secure base, your other needs cannot be met.
Your partner must allow you to express what you feel and need, AND give you validation for these feelings. This allows you to be your true authentic self, which helps you feel happy, fulfilled and connected. Holding back your feelings because you know your partner won’t accept them, will shut down, or will dismiss you, is suppressing your authenticity – a very common cause of anxiety and depression.
Part of being authentic is having independence and autonomy, which allows you to develop a unique identity. It is also very important for humans to have spontaneity and play in their lives, and being able to do this with your partner will enrich your relationship.
In a nutshell, you need to feel safe to be authentic in your relationship.
A relationship without a secure attachment or the ability to be authentic is not a healthy relationship, because your core emotional needs are not being met.
Schema therapy can help you develop a deeper understanding of your needs and how to get these met, which in turn will create a happier, healthier you.