Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
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Healing the Vulnerable Child Webinar
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Recommended book: Reinventing Your Life by Janet S. Klosko and Jeffrey Young
Today, Gemma does a solo episode on what you need to know if you have an abandonment schema and find yourself getting triggered in a relationship.
We, as humans, are wired to be cared for by others and form strong physical and emotional attachments. We depend on our early attachments, so if those attachment needs are unfulfilled, interrupted, or severed, we could develop an abandonment schema.
An abandonment schema can wreak havoc in our relationships, especially romantic ones. It can get in the way of thinking clearly and making healthy decisions when we start a new relationship. It can even capture our emotions entirely and send us down all kinds of rabbit holes.
In this episode, Gemma dives into three different categories people fall into when they have an abandonment schema and get triggered in a relationship. Stay tuned to find out how to work out what is going on with you if you have an abandonment schema and feel anxious about a new relationship.
Show highlights:
- People in the first category get triggered because their partner’s behavior is observably problematic, and they are reacting to something real.
- Gemma gives examples of problematic behavior in a partner that could trigger someone with an abandonment schema.
- If you have an abandonment schema, you have to be able to analyze what is going on in the early stages of a new relationship.
- Gemma explains why people tend to sabotage a relationship when their partner is predominantly reliable and the relationship is generally good.
- Some examples of situations in which your reactions could create secondary problems.
- Gemma discusses the various modes of operating people in the second category use to cope with their abandonment schema in a new relationship.
- Doing active healing work around an abandonment schema can be helpful. Gemma explains what that means.
- With the third category, it can be helpful to have the input of a third party to figure out what is going on.
- Gemma summarizes the three different categories.
Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
Go straight to THE RED FLAG PROJECT course for women
Visit our website THE GOOD MOOD CLINIC
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/theredflagproject._/
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/The-Red-Flag-Project-103442091937249
Check out what’s new on our LEARNING HUB
Schema Chemistry Recorded Webinar
For confidential information, counseling, and support service, go to https://1800respect.org.au.
Ask us a question or suggest a topic by emailing: justineandgemma@goodmood.com.au
Healing the Vulnerable Child Webinar
Recommended reading:
Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young
The Abandonment Recovery Workbook by Susan Anderson
We are revisiting the abandonment schema today.
Some of Gemma’s clients are considering returning to the dating world again, so they asked her to talk some more about the abandonment schema and how it relates to dating.
Abandonment is a huge topic! In schema therapy, the abandonment schema is one of the core schemas. It is a very primitive and primal schema. It is possibly the most central schema for all mammals, so it is common.
Schemas are abiding and deeply-entrenched core beliefs that direct our lives. They become the lens through which we see our lives and influence our decision-making and what we focus our attention on. Schemas can give us a framework for understanding ourselves and others and interpreting what is happening in the world.
In this episode, Gemma dives into the abandonment schema and explains what you need to look out for in your relationships, especially romantic relationships.
You will find this episode helpful if you are in the dating world and looking to find a new partner. Stay tuned for more!
Show highlights:
- Schemas are emotionally-laden constructs, so when they are triggered you feel it in your body.
- The abandonment schema can originate very early in life.
- Our genetics influence our temperament and how we deal with abandonment and separation.
- How does abandonment develop in childhood?
- Having an abandonment schema means fundamental insecurity in your attachment system.
- An abandonment schema can sometimes overlap with other schemas or give rise to secondary schemas.
- If you have a profound and flooring reaction to a trigger, it could be a schema.
- How does abandonment affect our love template and adult life when seeking a romantic partner?
- We get drawn to what is familiar, so when left to our own devices, we tend to radiate to what we know.
- Why do people with abandonment schemas get stuck in relationships with unavailable partners?
- Gemma explains what unavailability might look like in a partner.
- You cannot do the healing for someone else- especially when you have to heal yourself.
- Gemma does a recap on the coping styles people use to cope with their abandonment schema.
- When we surrender to our schema, we tend to become blind to the red flags.
- What can you do to cope with or change an abandonment schema?
Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
Go straight to THE RED FLAG PROJECT course for women
Visit our website THE GOOD MOOD CLINIC
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/theredflagproject._/
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/The-Red-Flag-Project-103442091937249
Check out what’s new on our LEARNING HUB
For confidential information, counseling, and support service go to https://1800respect.org.au.
Ask us a question or suggest a topic by emailing: justineandgemma@goodmood.com.au
In our last podcast, we spoke about what an abandonment schema might look like generally when dating someone. Today, we follow that by taking a more specific look at the different coping styles people tend to use when their abandonment schema gets triggered in a dating situation.
Our schemas get triggered when certain things happen. When triggered, strong emotions arise, and we feel compelled to respond in a certain way to cope. Schema therapy clearly explains three common responses people have after getting triggered. One of them falls into the broad category of avoidance. Another is surrendering or resigning to what happened. The third is overcompensating, sometimes also referred to as counterattack.
In this episode, we discuss the three different ways people cope with the intense feelings that surface when their abandonment schema gets activated. We give some examples of what each response might look like, focusing particularly on those that come up when an abandonment schema gets triggered. We discuss ways to change your response patterns, explain the importance of learning to understand how you react and talk about the potential consequences of the different coping styles. Stay tuned for more!
Show highlights:
- Justine shares one way you can change your response patterns after getting triggered.
- Justine and Gemma discuss the surrender mode and explain how it affects people and their relationships.
- The surrender mode can sometimes flip over into avoidance.
- How do you know when you are surrendering to your schema?
- How does a healthy build-up to a relationship look?
- Gemma and Justine talk about the overcompensating response pattern.
- What does it look like when we over-compensate?
- What tends to happen when we overcompensate?
- Gemma explains how to not react when in counterattacking mode.
- What happens when you are on the receiving end of an overcompensating counterattack?
- Justine and Gemma talk about what tends to happen when you have the avoidance response with an abandonment schema.
- Avoidant coping patterns can be hard to break. Gemma explains what keeps people stuck in those patterns and how schema therapy can help overcome them.
Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
Go straight to THE RED FLAG PROJECT course for women
Visit our website THE GOOD MOOD CLINIC
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/theredflagproject._/
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/The-Red-Flag-Project-103442091937249
Check out what’s new on our LEARNING HUB
For confidential information, counseling, and support service go to https://1800respect.org.au.
Ask us a question or suggest a topic by emailing: justineandgemma@goodmood.com.au
Welcome to the first episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast for 2022!
When making new year resolutions, most of us tend to think about things we can improve in our lives and the patterns we would like to change. One of those patterns usually relates to relationships. Justine has already had several sessions this year with people who want to break their relationship patterns so that they can finally meet someone emotionally available and have a proper relationship.
Our schemas tend to hinder our relationship radar and keep us doing the same thing over and over. If you have an abandonment schema and would like to meet someone available, you have to take responsibility for the choices you make and look at how your schema impacts your choices. If you want to avoid becoming a victim, you also need to be accountable for the role you play in your relationships.
The abandonment schema is the oldest and most primal schema you could have. In this episode, Gemma and Justine dive into the abandonment schema and discuss how it affects people when they date. They explain how an abandonment schema develops, what it feels like, and what tends to activate it. Justine also talks about what she does to help her clients prevent their abandonment schemas from getting triggered when dating. Listen in today to learn how to take responsibility for your abandonment schema and find out how your abandonment schema could trip you up when dating.
Show highlights:
- The abandonment schema is a common theme in many of Justine’s sessions.
- To do online dating, you have to be in the right mindset.
- Your abandonment schema might get activated early on when dating someone. Justine talks about various problems that could occur when that happens.
- How does an abandonment schema form when we are very young?
- What does an abandonment schema feel like?
- Gemma and Justine discuss the core belief carried by an abandonment schema.
- What tends to trigger an abandonment schema?
- Some strategies to prevent your abandonment schema from getting activated when dating someone.
- Learn how to cope with red flags and obstacles that might arise when dating someone.
- How to detect early signs of narcissism in the person you are dating.
- It is vital to flush out potentially avoidant people or individuals who may be catfishing early on.