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Book mentioned in the show:
When the Body Says No by Gabor Mat
Some of the ways we behave and think are known as schemas. Schemas could be described as a filter through which we view the world, and they are closely linked to our deeply entrenched core beliefs.
Recently, Justine and Gemma received emails from various listeners experiencing similar problems. One of the emails was from Harry, who explained that he has an empathetic personality and suffered from being in a relationship with someone narcissistic, which probably means he has a self-sacrifice schema and possibly some other issues as well. Sally also wrote in to say that she has a friend who is a big self-sacrificer, and it gets in the way of her life.
In this episode, Gemma and Justine look at Harry and Sally’s situations and discuss schemas. They describe the self-sacrifice schema. They also describe the subjugation schema, which is different but often gets correlated with the self-sacrifice schema clinically. They discuss what those schemas feel like, what brings them up, and the kinds of problems they cause for people. They also give several tips for breaking out of self-sacrifice and subjugation schema patterns. Stay tuned for more!
Show highlights:
- Justine describes the self-sacrifice schema.
- Guilt and resentment are associated with self-sacrifice schemas.
- Gemma talks about where the subjugation schema comes from, what brings it up, and the kind of problems it can cause.
- Resentment usually kicks in after the self-sacrifice schema has come up.
- With subjugation schemas, people fear retaliation, rejection, and abandonment.
- The stress-related conditions that to occur with self-sacrifice and subjugation schemas.
- Gemma explains why she describes self-sacrifice and subjugation schemas as adaptive schemas, and why they might be referred to as conditional or secondary schemas in schema therapy.
- Why sensitive or empathic people are more prone to developing and surrendering to a self-sacrifice schema.
- Why are people with a self-sacrifice schema likely drawn to or targeted by narcissistic or entitled individuals?
- Justine and Gemma share some tips for breaking out of the self-sacrifice and subjugation schema patterns.
- Gemma explains what schema therapy is all about.
- There are dangers in not establishing good boundaries early on in your relationships and checking in with your schemas soon enough to start creating healthy options.
- Gemma talks about their new website, www.theredflagproject.com
Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
Go straight to THE RED FLAG PROJECT course for women
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Ask us a question or suggest a topic by emailing: justineandgemma@goodmood.com.au
Some people find it very hard to cope if their best friend goes out with another friend or starts a new friendship with someone else. They might find themselves feeling cut off, needy, jealous, or even angry. Abandonment triggers in a friendship can be just as strong as those in a romantic relationship. Especially if that friendship is a special one and the friend is someone important to you. In those situations, the same feelings could come up as they would in a romantic relationship. That can be quite confusing.
In this episode, Gemma and Justine answer a mailbox question they received from a therapist who wrote in asking for tips for some of her clients struggling with an abandonment schema and friendships. Those clients were finding it very hard to cope with the problems they experienced in their platonic relationships. Stay tuned today to hear about the triggers that can come up in your friendships when you have an abandonment schema and learn what to do to create healthier relationships.
Show highlights:
- Gemma and Justine talk about some of the situations in a friendship that could trigger an abandonment schema.
- Having an abandonment schema triggered can cause feelings of shame or make people feel like something is wrong with them.
- Sometimes, we have friendships that are not good for us. Those relationships can be very triggering.
- Justine and Gemma discuss what defines a healthy friendship.
- Repairing a relationship with a friend can sometimes be harder than repairing a romantic relationship.
- Some characteristics of schema-driven friendships.
- Relationships can be hard work.
- Triggers are often small and can represent a difference or a separation.
- Not all situations need to be discussed. Sometimes you only need to sit with your feelings.
- Moving away from the black and white/all or nothing frame of reference is vital in healthy relationships.
- It helps to understand that all relationships go through cycles of rupture and repair.
Other links and resources:
Books:
Reinventing Your Life By Janet S. Klosko and Jeffrey Young
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson
The third in the series of our discussions on the abandonment schema and its role in romantic relationships. In this episode we discuss the ways that an abandonment schema can play out in an otherwise stable and secure relationship and cause havoc for you and your partner.
What are some of the ways that an unchecked or largely unhealed abandonment schema can sabotage your relationship? How can you begin to notice your abandonment triggers in this contents and use your “healthy adult” mode to help you navigate through the maze of abandonment feelings. It’s not easy but you can get there over time!
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