Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
Go straight to THE RED FLAG PROJECT course for women
Visit our website THE GOOD MOOD CLINIC
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/theredflagproject._/
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/The-Red-Flag-Project-103442091937249
Check out what’s new on our LEARNING HUB
Schema Chemistry Recorded Webinar
For confidential information, counseling, and support service, go to https://1800respect.org.au.
Ask us a question or suggest a topic by emailing: justineandgemma@goodmood.com.au
Healing the Vulnerable Child Webinar
Register your interest for our new Know Your Schemas course
Books mentioned in the podcast: Books by John Bradshaw
We are doing a mailbox episode today!
Someone we will call Sam sent in a thoughtful and vulnerable email after listening to and resonating with something we mentioned in our episode on narcissistic mothers.
Sam is an overseas listener who grew up with two narcissistic parents. He has a brother and a younger sister who he describes as his mother’s narcissistic “mini-me”.
In the podcast, we mentioned that being parented by a narcissist could squash your natural light, and someone with that psychological history might not even know who they truly are. Sam resonated with something similar when he first learned about the inner child and heard of the chronic emptiness felt by those who have had to assume inauthentic selves in early childhood as a result of conditional love. He has been living with a similar ache which is sometimes debilitating- even with medication and a healthy lifestyle. So he asked if we could do an episode on recovering that squashed light and share some advice on how people with chronic depression can regain their vitality.
Stay tuned for more.
Show highlights:
- People raised by two narcissistic parents develop other modes of coping, which could mean creating a false self.
- Gemma and Justine discuss why Sam feels so empty.
- How do people develop an inauthentic self?
- Justine and Gemma dive into the schemas that might be within the darkness Sam feels.
- Children suppress themselves to adapt to whatever situation they are in and survive. That usually produces secondary schemas.
- What is the inner light Sam refers to, and what happens to children when that inner light gets squashed?
- Justine shares examples of the things she is careful not to do because they might inhibit her children’s freedom, authenticity, and lack of self-consciousness.
- People raised by narcissists tend to develop a sense of under-entitlement.
- Where should you start with trying to figure out who you are?
- It is crucial to create connections with other people.
- Schema therapy can help you heal and reconnect with your authentic self.
- Justine and Gemma discuss the course they are currently working on, called Know Your Schemas. Register your interest at https://goodmoodclinic.com.au/kys and buy the course at a discounted rate.
Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
Go straight to THE RED FLAG PROJECT course for women
Visit our website THE GOOD MOOD CLINIC
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/theredflagproject._/
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/The-Red-Flag-Project-103442091937249
Check out what’s new on our LEARNING HUB
Schema Chemistry Recorded Webinar
For confidential information, counseling, and support service go to https://1800respect.org.au.
Ask us a question or suggest a topic by emailing: justineandgemma@goodmood.com.au
Healing the Vulnerable Child Webinar
Today’s episode is an encore replay of Episode 20, which was a popular episode for our listeners.
We have another podcast in our series on narcissism for you. For today, we will stay with the topic of the narcissistic parent and discuss the types of relationships you might be having with your narcissistic parent and the kind of dynamics you might find within that relationship. Clinically, we tend to see four categories of those kinds of relationship dynamics. In this episode, we will go into some detail about each of those categories. Stay tuned for more.
The first dynamic that we see quite often is where you get stuck in constantly clashing with your parent. In the second category, you don’t fight very much with your parent, you tend to accept things as they are, and you do a lot of internalizing. The third category is the estrangement category, where we see those who have deliberately chosen to cut themselves off from their narcissistic parent. And the fourth category is where you attempt to manage your narcissistic parent. Sometimes, some of those categories tend to overlap. Be sure to listen in today to find out more detail about each of the four different categories of relationship dynamics that you might find yourself in with your narcissistic parent.
Show highlights:
- Gemma summarizes the four categories of relationship dynamics.
- Sometimes, you might flip between the different categories from moment to moment and from interaction to interaction.
- Gemma and Justine discuss the first category of constantly clashing with the narcissistic parent in more detail. They also share some examples of how that dynamic could play out within families.
- What triangulation is, and how it could occur in families where there is a narcissistic parent.
- The children are not always treated in the same way by the narcissistic parent.
- Gemma and Justine discuss the second category, where the child internalizes, believes, and surrenders to the messages they get from the narcissistic parent, in more detail.
- Realizing that you have a narcissistic parent can lead you to have feelings of anger or even denial.
- How to deal with your anger after you come to realize that you have a narcissistic parent.
- Gemma and Justine discuss the third category, where they see people who have decided to cut themselves off from their narcissistic parent.
- Even those who have cut themselves off entirely from their narcissistic parent still need to work on the relationship because they have unfinished business with that person.
- Looking at the last relationship dynamic, which Gemma and Justine call the management mode.
We have been getting some comments, queries, and questions in our mailbox recently. So in this episode, we will be introducing a new mailbox segment that we will have on the podcast from time to time.
With this podcast, we strive to raise awareness about some common topics that many of us have to deal with. So, if you are struggling with something or have an issue, the chances are that many others will be in the same boat. One of the things we received in our mailbox was an email from someone who listened to our podcast about narcissistic parents. In her email, she reflected on what that podcast meant for her regarding her narcissistic parent. She has kindly permitted us to read her email out on the show today and talk about it. Be sure to stay tuned to find out what our listener had to say.
Show highlights:
- Justine reads the letter from the listener, who we will call Jane. In it, she asks how to protect herself emotionally in her relationship with her narcissistic mother.
- Jane is trying to work out what is possible in terms of her relationship with her mother.
- In her mother’s reply to her letter, she offered Jane nothing. Nor did she apologize to Jane or validate what she said, so Jane does not know what to do.
- Jane wants recognition. She wants to be seen and understood.
- Jane wants her mum to put her stuff aside and take care of Jane in the present moment.
- Jane’s mum has not answered any of Jane‘s questions. Nor has she offered any repair or explained her behavior.
- Jane has no way of knowing if her mum’s question about her wellbeing is sincere, so the situation remains unresolved.
- Past behavior is usually the best predictor of future behavior.
- The ‘healthy adult mode’ is required for narcissistic parents to put their stuff aside and come to the table.
- Jane needs to prioritize what is important for her before re-establishing a relationship with her mother.
- Jane is likely to get triggered by her mother if she decides to re-establish a relationship with her.
- We can never make another person feel or respond in the way we would like them to.
- A therapist can help you navigate and come to terms with the hurt caused by a narcissistic parent.
Links and resources:
The Good Mood Clinic website
Email Gemma and Justine at gemmaandjustine@goodmood.com.au if you would like to reach out to us, raise a topic, or ask a question.
The Red Flag Project has been released. Check out our website for more information.
Check out what’s new on our Learning Hub.
Recommended reading:
Reinventing Your Life (A self-help book for schema therapy) by Jeffrey E. Young and Janet S. Klosko
Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina W. Brown
Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy Behary
We have been talking a lot about narcissism on the podcast recently because we have found that one of the main themes that people come to therapy with falls within the realm of narcissism. Coming to terms with narcissistic parents is a big issue that many people face, and it can be hard to do.
In our last episode, we spoke about the nature of the different dynamics of relationships with a narcissistic parent. In this episode, we will be talking about getting to the point of seeing your narcissistic parents for who they are and accepting them just as they are. Acceptance does not mean approval, however. Nor does it mean condoning someone’s unacceptable behavior or letting them off the hook. Acceptance is about accepting the reality of what is. And that can be very hard to do because it brings up many emotions around grief and loss. Listen in today to learn about coming to terms with having a narcissistic parent and the process you need to go through around that.
Show highlights:
- You first need to come to be able to see that your parent is narcissistic. Then allow yourself to have all of your feelings about what that has meant and still means for you.
- It is good to explore your schemas and modes and discover how they were formed in the environment in which you were raised.
- The narcissistic parent is compromised, so they don’t always meet the needs of their children.
- Letting go is part of the painful process of coming to terms with a narcissistic parent.
- Why children often tend to take on the responsibility of keeping their parent emotionally safe.
- Using the schema process to overcome the difficulties that adult children of narcissistic parents tend to have.
- Coming to terms with your parent being who they are.
- Coming to terms with the feelings of grief and loss that result from toxic parenting.
- Coming to terms with your unmet childhood needs.
- Various modes result from the pain of unmet needs in children. It is important to look at those parts of yourself and re-parent yourself if you have had a narcissistic parent.
- Justine and Gemma talk about what you need to do to re-parenting yourself.
- The grief will always be there, but it will transform and change over time if you take good care of yourself.
Links and resources:
Email Gemma and Justine at gemmaandjustine@goodmood.com.au
Books mentioned: Will I ever Be Good Enough by Caroline McBride
Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy Behary
Children of Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Caroline McBride
The Red Flag Project has been released. Check out our website for more information.