Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
Go straight to THE RED FLAG PROJECT course for women
Visit our website THE GOOD MOOD CLINIC
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/theredflagproject._/
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/The-Red-Flag-Project-103442091937249
Check out what’s new on our LEARNING HUB
Schema Chemistry Recorded Webinar
For confidential information, counseling, and support service, go to https://1800respect.org.au.
Ask us a question or suggest a topic by emailing: justineandgemma@goodmood.com.au
Healing the Vulnerable Child Webinar
Register your interest for our new Know Your Schemas course
Recommended book: Reinventing Your Life by Janet S. Klosko and Jeffrey Young
Today, Gemma does a solo episode on what you need to know if you have an abandonment schema and find yourself getting triggered in a relationship.
We, as humans, are wired to be cared for by others and form strong physical and emotional attachments. We depend on our early attachments, so if those attachment needs are unfulfilled, interrupted, or severed, we could develop an abandonment schema.
An abandonment schema can wreak havoc in our relationships, especially romantic ones. It can get in the way of thinking clearly and making healthy decisions when we start a new relationship. It can even capture our emotions entirely and send us down all kinds of rabbit holes.
In this episode, Gemma dives into three different categories people fall into when they have an abandonment schema and get triggered in a relationship. Stay tuned to find out how to work out what is going on with you if you have an abandonment schema and feel anxious about a new relationship.
Show highlights:
- People in the first category get triggered because their partner’s behavior is observably problematic, and they are reacting to something real.
- Gemma gives examples of problematic behavior in a partner that could trigger someone with an abandonment schema.
- If you have an abandonment schema, you have to be able to analyze what is going on in the early stages of a new relationship.
- Gemma explains why people tend to sabotage a relationship when their partner is predominantly reliable and the relationship is generally good.
- Some examples of situations in which your reactions could create secondary problems.
- Gemma discusses the various modes of operating people in the second category use to cope with their abandonment schema in a new relationship.
- Doing active healing work around an abandonment schema can be helpful. Gemma explains what that means.
- With the third category, it can be helpful to have the input of a third party to figure out what is going on.
- Gemma summarizes the three different categories.
Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
Go straight to THE RED FLAG PROJECT course for women
Visit our website THE GOOD MOOD CLINIC
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/theredflagproject._/
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/The-Red-Flag-Project-103442091937249
Check out what’s new on our LEARNING HUB
Schema Chemistry Recorded Webinar
For confidential information, counseling, and support service, go to https://1800respect.org.au.
Ask us a question or suggest a topic by emailing: justineandgemma@goodmood.com.au
Healing the Vulnerable Child Webinar
This episode is in the realm of dating. It will appeal to women experiencing hopelessness after having implemented changes in the men they are dating, and then men they should avoid start to slip in under their radar.
Initially, you may think the guy is different. But after the first few weeks of dating, the cracks start showing. You may notice that he is critical or does not prioritize the relationship much. Or you may feel uncertain about where you stand with him. Then the insecurity starts coming up.
It can be exhausting if you meet someone who seems nice, and you become hopeful because you have made changes and are doing everything right, but then you start seeing the red flags.
In this episode, Justine and Gemma go back to the basics. They dive into how to avoid a sense of hopelessness and become hopeful about dating again. They discuss common myths that can keep women in unhealthy relationships and share tips for avoiding disinterested or emotionally unavailable men in the early days of online dating.
This episode is for you if you are dating or getting back into dating, you have an insecure attachment style leaning toward anxiety, and you tend to hang in there with guys who are controlling, self-absorbed, or emotionally unavailable. Change is possible and can break the pattern, but it can be tricky at certain spots, and you may need some help!
Stay tuned for more!
Show highlights:
- Myths that can make women stay in unhealthy relationships.
- A relationship with someone nice can be surprisingly easy if you have a disastrous dating history.
- Dating can be hell for women with an anxious attachment style and an abandonment schema. Gemma discusses some beliefs that would have to be challenged to get a different outcome.
- Some tips to avoid disinterested or emotionally unavailable men in the early stages of online dating.
- Online dating can sometimes be a medium for people who have difficulties with connection, intimacy, and being vulnerable with someone.
- Watch out for guys who focus on your physical appearance or get into sexual talk in their early texts.
- There is a difference between emotionally unavailable people and those who are actually unavailable.
- When there are clear markers of unavailability early on, that means he is NOT available.
- Challenge any ideas about a particular type of person you think will be right for you.
- In the early days, date people you would not typically go for if they seem average and look pleasant enough.
- You do not have to have the same hobbies and interests as someone to have an emotionally compatible relationship with them.
- Experiment with getting to know different types of people.
If you have a pattern of getting involved and staying with emotionally unavailable or avoidant people, you may need extra help and emotional support to implement changes. Check out our THE RED FLAG PROJECT course.
Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
Go straight to THE RED FLAG PROJECT course for women
Visit our website THE GOOD MOOD CLINIC
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/theredflagproject._/
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/The-Red-Flag-Project-103442091937249
Check out what’s new on our LEARNING HUB
Schema Chemistry Recorded Webinar
For confidential information, counseling, and support service, go to https://1800respect.org.au.
Ask us a question or suggest a topic by emailing: justineandgemma@goodmood.com.au
Healing the Vulnerable Child Webinar
Wendy Behary’s website: www.disarmingthenarcissist.com
Recommended books:
Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy Behary
We are delighted to have Wendy Behary joining us on the podcast today! Wendy is an expert on narcissism. She is very well-known in the world of schema therapy for the work she has done on narcissism.
Wendy is the Founder and Director of the Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and the Schema Therapy Institutes of New Jersey, New York City, and DC. She is also the author of the bestselling book, Disarming the Narcissist, which is now in its third edition.
Narcissists are impaired people. In this episode, Wendy talks about narcissism and the effects of growing up with a narcissist. She offers advice and some helpful tools for coping with difficult yet unavoidable encounters with the narcissistic individuals in your life and setting limits with them while taking care of yourself too. She also explains what is truly going on with narcissists emotionally.
We know that many of our listeners are interested in the topic of narcissism, so we hope that you will get a lot out of our conversation with Wendy Behary! Stay tuned to gain insight into narcissism and find out how to navigate your relationship with the narcissist in your life.
Show highlights:
- Narcissism is on a continuum, so there are people with narcissistic traits who may not have a full-blown personality disorder.
- If you grew up with someone narcissistic, your identity was probably held hostage for a long time. You will also have carried the burdens that typically come with having a narcissistic parent or adult caretaker living vicariously through you, putting unrealistic expectations upon you, or ignoring you because they are so self-centered.
- Why is it a good thing when you become highly sensitized to narcissism after learning about it?
- Notice the patterns in yourself where you go silent, give in, lose your voice, subjugate yourself, and sacrifice your own needs.
- Wendy explains what an activating condition is and how that triggers narcissistic people.
- Who is a narcissist, and what do you need to look out for in the early days of dating someone?
- If you want to be an advocate for yourself, be sure of your intention when talking to someone you are dating, and make sure that what you say is having the impact you want.
- What should you do if you’re dating someone you like but start noticing red flags?
- How to use “the narrator voice” as a tool when someone is love-bombing you.
- How to manage things and cope when facing someone narcissistic who triggers you, but you cannot avoid having them in your life.
- It is terrifying for narcissistic people when you try a new and different dance with them, but they are unlikely to know that.
- Wendy essentially re-wrote Disarming the Narcissist, elaborated on everything, and added three chapters of new material for the third edition.
- What does it mean to use empathic confrontation?
- Are narcissistic capable of change? If so, what makes them want to change, and what does the process look like for them?
- Narcissists are impaired humans. They act superior to everyone else, but how do they feel inside?
Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
Go straight to THE RED FLAG PROJECT course for women
Visit our website THE GOOD MOOD CLINIC
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/theredflagproject._/
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/The-Red-Flag-Project-103442091937249
Check out what’s new on our LEARNING HUB
For confidential information, counseling, and support service go to https://1800respect.org.au
Ask us a question or suggest a topic by emailing: justineandgemma@goodmood.com.au
Some distinct red flags tend to show up in the very early stages of dating that indicate that the person you are dating is likely to become emotionally unavailable, controlling, or toxic in a relationship. When you are in that situation, it can be hard to understand what is going on, and if you really want the relationship to work out, you could even become resistant and fail to recognize your schemas when they come up.
Today, Gemma and Justine continue with their series on the indicators of coerciveness or control in the early stages of dating. In the last episode, they did a therapist/client role-play to help you identify some early markers of controlling behaviors, understand what they mean, and recognize the feelings that tend to arise when that happens. In this episode, they refer to that role-play and take a deeper dive into the topic. They focus on schemas that might come up for the client and analyze what could be going on with her internally after being triggered by the guy she is dating. Stay tuned today to find out about the schemas that could make you vulnerable to control and learn how to avoid the possibility of landing up in a toxic relationship.
Show highlights:
- It can be confusing when being romantic and taking control crosses the line into becoming insensitive and controlling.
- Schemas that could make you vulnerable to being controlled or cloud your judgment.
- How an abandonment schema could affect you.
- The best mindset to adopt, when you have an abandonment schema and start dating.
- How a subjugation schema could affect you.
- Someone making fun of you, or a put-down made in jest, on a first date is a red flag.
- The difference between being self-sacrificing and being subjugated.
- How a defectiveness schema could affect you.
- It is vital to have self-respect and protect the vulnerable child within you.
- Why do we need relationships to learn about ourselves?
- What a dependence schema is all about.
- Looking at schema chemistry. (What happens when you are attracted to someone who could potentially wound you in the same way you were wounded as a child?)
- Justine explains what the ‘downstairs brain’ is.
- Justine and Gemma talk about their upcoming webinar.
Other links and resources:
Books:
Reinventing Your Life by Janet S. Klosko and Jeffrey Young
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson
See What You Made Me Do by Jess Hill
The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker
In Control by Jane Monckton Smith
Webinar Link:
Schema Chemistry: Understanding the Role of Schemas in Romantic Attraction
The webinar will take place on Thursday the 28th of October at Australian Eastern Standard Time
Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
Go straight to THE RED FLAG PROJECT course for women
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/theredflagproject._/
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/The-Red-Flag-Project-103442091937249
Check out what’s new on our LEARNING HUB
Ask us a question or suggest a topic by emailing: justineandgemma@goodmood.com.au
Some people find it very hard to cope if their best friend goes out with another friend or starts a new friendship with someone else. They might find themselves feeling cut off, needy, jealous, or even angry. Abandonment triggers in a friendship can be just as strong as those in a romantic relationship. Especially if that friendship is a special one and the friend is someone important to you. In those situations, the same feelings could come up as they would in a romantic relationship. That can be quite confusing.
In this episode, Gemma and Justine answer a mailbox question they received from a therapist who wrote in asking for tips for some of her clients struggling with an abandonment schema and friendships. Those clients were finding it very hard to cope with the problems they experienced in their platonic relationships. Stay tuned today to hear about the triggers that can come up in your friendships when you have an abandonment schema and learn what to do to create healthier relationships.
Show highlights:
- Gemma and Justine talk about some of the situations in a friendship that could trigger an abandonment schema.
- Having an abandonment schema triggered can cause feelings of shame or make people feel like something is wrong with them.
- Sometimes, we have friendships that are not good for us. Those relationships can be very triggering.
- Justine and Gemma discuss what defines a healthy friendship.
- Repairing a relationship with a friend can sometimes be harder than repairing a romantic relationship.
- Some characteristics of schema-driven friendships.
- Relationships can be hard work.
- Triggers are often small and can represent a difference or a separation.
- Not all situations need to be discussed. Sometimes you only need to sit with your feelings.
- Moving away from the black and white/all or nothing frame of reference is vital in healthy relationships.
- It helps to understand that all relationships go through cycles of rupture and repair.
Other links and resources:
Books:
Reinventing Your Life By Janet S. Klosko and Jeffrey Young
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson
Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
Go straight to THE RED FLAG PROJECT course for women
Click here for the Break-Up Guide
Visit our website THE GOOD MOOD CLINIC (Go to our website to download Ten Characteristics of an Emotionally Unavailable Partner on the Podcast Page!)
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/theredflagproject._/
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/The-Red-Flag-Project-103442091937249
Check out what’s new on our LEARNING HUB
Ask us a question or suggest a topic by emailing: justineandgemma@goodmood.com.au
Gemma and Justine have another conversation in their series on breakups and schemas today.
If you have ever experienced a breakup when you have an abandonment schema, you know how traumatic it is. So it is understandable if you would want to avoid going through that pain again. In this episode, Justine and Gemma share a mailbox segment. They answer a question sent in by a client of Justine, who is in the process of addressing her abandonment schema. Although she is doing well and has started experimenting with finding a relationship, she has become aware of a strong urge to avoid looking for a partner because she fears the feelings that might arise if things fail to work out.
In trying to care for herself in the longer term, Justine’s client is struggling to deal with her fears around the possibility of having to feel the feelings of abandonment again. Be sure to stay tuned today to find out what to do and how to cope if you are in that situation.
Show highlights:
- Gemma and Justine explain why people might intentionally choose to avoid relationships.
- There is a difference between someone avoiding finding a romantic partner due to the pain of an abandonment schema and someone who is not interested in a relationship.
- Life can be easier if you avoid relationships, but it can also be lonely.
- Even when you understand your schemas and can use that framework to understand your past relationship decisions and how they played out, it can still be difficult to muster the confidence to trust your decision-making and avoid choosing an unavailable partner.
- In their Red Flag Project, Gemma and Justine share a specific strategy to help you avoid becoming attached to people too quickly.
- Once you can spot the red flags, you will realize how much you have changed.
- Although you cannot avoid your emotional triggers, you can learn to respond in healthier ways.
- How to cope when you realize that your defectiveness schema has been triggered.
- Download Ten Characteristics of an Emotionally Unavailable Partner on the podcast page on our website!
- What you can do if you are struggling to find someone you like.
- Even if you do not feel it initially, you could end up having amazing chemistry with someone who meets your emotional needs.
- Dating is about self-development as well as finding a partner. Doing the right kind of work can help shift your thoughts and feelings of hopelessness and remove your internal barriers to finding someone.
Books:
Reinventing Your Life
Reinventing Your Life By Janet S. Klosko and Jeffrey Young
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson
Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
Some people struggle a lot with the intensity of their feelings when they are in the throes of a break-up of a romantic relationship, particularly when they have an abandonment schema as well. The pain of the break-up and the schema becoming activated simultaneously presents a unique situation that leaves those individuals fraught with painful feelings.
In this episode, Gemma and Justine discuss why that kind of break-up feels so painful. They talk about what a normal break-up might feel like and explain how an abandonment schema adds extra suffering and a particularly unpleasant element to the break-up of a relationship. If you have an abandonment schema, be sure to listen in today to find out why you might be having such intense feelings and emotions after a break-up with someone you only met recently. You will also learn how an abandonment schema could lead to depression and how to make sense of that kind of situation in the future.
Show highlights:
- Why that kind of break-up feels so painful.
- Why the feelings are so intense when your abandonment schema gets triggered.
- What it feels like when the abandoned child mode comes up.
- Ways to get intense feelings to subside and to make sense of them.
- What it takes to understand an abandonment schema.
- How abandonment schemas can cause depression.
- What to do if you get triggered.
- Getting to know where your feelings are coming from.
- Addressing your abandonment issues and growing through that process.
Links and resources:
Email Gemma and Justine at justineandgemma@goodmood.com.au if you would like to reach out to us, raise a topic, or ask a question.
Check out our website for more information on our Red Flag Project.
Check out what’s new on our Learning Hub.